Posted by: learningwoman | March 25, 2008

Depression, blahdom and inspiration

For the last week or so, I’ve been experiencing what I can only think is some form of depression. Sleepless nights, almost constant weepiness, anger, lethargy, a sense of pointlessness, days running into one another without any form to them, anxiety etc etc..

I don’t know why it started or where it came from. At first, I thought it might be hormonal and I decided to ride it out but as the week progressed, it got worse, until I considered going to see my GP to find out what was going on.

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you’ll know that this isn’t the norm for me. One or two days a month maybe but not this. This grinding, grey sadness felt a bit overwhelming.

And I ate. I ate everything in sight. Comfort eating on a large scale. Partly through boredom and partly to numb myself. I watched as if from outside, as I drifted through the days. I looked surprisingly normal really, for someone feeling so crap.

I took S. to see The Spiderwick Chronicles the other day and nearly cried when he wouldn’t hold my hand. He said he felt embarrassed because there were people around. Now I’m pretty philosophical usually and at any other time, I would have shrugged and moved on, knowing that this was a stage that he’d reached, or was passing through and that everything changes. He can’t stay a little boy forever.

Because it happened in the middle of this other stuff though, I felt as though my heart was breaking. Immediately, I extrapolated it to mean that now I wouldn’t get any hugs and that everything was changing too fast and… well, you get the idea. It was like PMS gone mad!

I’m still tired and needing more sleep but I feel more balanced now, more peaceful, more connected. I’m still going to get it checked out though. It feels as though it could have a physical origin. Maybe I’ll go to a naturopath too.

I went to Slimming World today. I’d put on a pound, which considering the amount and types of food I’d eaten, was a minor miracle. When Margaret, the woman who runs the group, asked me sympathetically whether it was Easter that had been the problem, I said no, it wasn’t that. I just hadn’t been following the plan.

She was a bit nonplussed but rallied quickly, to congratulate me on coming back and staying for the class. I replied that I nearly hadn’t come, so she asked me why I’d decided to. I thought about it for a second and told her that if I didn’t do something, nothing would change. It’s true. I have to move forward. Staying in one place just doesn’t do it for me at all.

When the class was finished and I was quietly packing up Z’s toys and getting him into his chair, a very quiet woman, about my age, came up to talk to me.

She told me that she was sorry to disturb me (very English…. 🙂 ) but that she wanted to tell me that I’d been an inspiration to her. That my cheerfulness and positivity had made a difference to her and that she would feel very sorry if I left and she didn’t get to have that anymore. She was embarrassed and said so. I, on the other hand, was overwhelmed with gratitude that she’d overcome her shyness to say this stuff at the exact moment I needed to hear it. I hugged her, thanked her and watched her walk to the door.

What she said didn’t make everything I was experiencing go away but what it did do, is give me a new perspective, provide that little shift, to a place from which I can make my way back. It made me feel worthwhile and that’s a good place to begin.

It’s worth telling people when they’re special to you, or when you think they look great, or when they’ve done something you really appreciate. Even if it’s a stranger.

You never know what it might mean to them.

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Responses

  1. I am glad to hear that things are coming back together for you. Those periods of depression are never fun and always a bit disconcerting.

    You are a very cheerful positive person – it definitely shows in your blog!

  2. Thanks Goodfountain, you’re a very encouraging person I think. I appreciate that you take the time to comment. 🙂

  3. Any time to see your doctor? Your symptoms make me think of a thyroid thing… or pregnancy… 😉

  4. Thanks Kate, I’ll check it out. I think I can rule out pregnancy though… 🙂


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