Posted by: learningwoman | November 18, 2007

Overcoming irritation…….

Hi to anyone reading this.

I’ve been feeling so irritable today, I just wanted to curl up somewhere and be alone. I’m mid-menstrual, tired and generally annoyed!

I feel I must mention, if only to remind myself, that generally speaking, I’m quite a sunny-natured person. I smile, sing, laugh and often dance my way through my day. Not every day obviously, but enough that I feel unsettled by the ferocity of my feelings today.

It started okay. A. got up with the kids and took them downstairs to let me sleep. We each have one morning a week to sleep-in and today is mine. He was lovely about it too. He shut the bedroom door and every now and then, I could hear him shushing them as they stomped across the wooden floor, or shouted with excitement or laughter.

When finally, I just had to get up to go to the bathroom, it was 9:30am. As I washed my hands, I caught the smell of fresh coffee wafting up the stairs and A’s voice, calling up after it; “Hello my princess! Come down and be with your family!” If he sounds like a wonderful husband, you’re right, he is and mostly I remember it and am glad.

I got downstairs and was rushed by the boys, at the door to the loungeroom. Two little blond heads bumping into me as they scrambled up for hugs. I picked them up and sat on the couch where we snuggled and tickled until A. brought me a steaming cup of great coffee and a kiss.

Now, I know full well how lucky I am and I revel in this family. The cuddles of my little boys feel like a benediction, (I’m not sure if that’s the right word, nor do I care really….) and every moment we spend together, all of us, is something to be grateful for…………however………..

Today, I have been someone else. Someone snappish and intolerant, someone hard to be around.

A. was on the computer when it began. He started to ask me questions about a project I needed to get organised. He was trying to help and had begun to look stuff up online for me. The problem of course, is that because it’s quite specific stuff, I actually needed to be doing it myself and at the time, I was still drinking my coffee, sandwiched between two pyjamaed kids, watching Roary the Racing Car on TV. I began to feel harrassed……….. I knew it was unreasonable though, so I supressed my irritation, thanked him for his help and said I’d look at it in a minute. He kept asking questions….. He’s an action man and he likes to get things done and out of the way as soon as he thinks of them.  It isn’t always my style but I appreciate his motivation…….usually…..

Finally I got up out of the chair and gently moved him out of the way of the computer, so I could just look up the relevant information myself. He brought me more coffee and collected the washing from the laundry room. (Oh my god, the man’s a saint!)

I was nearly finished when the decision was made to go out to the park and suddenly, It seemed I was dragging my feet, while those around me waited expectantly and, it has to be said, with no small degree of impatience. A. and I had a squabble over nothing, I shouted at S, to stop running up and down the hall and stomped off up the stairs to get dressed.

By the time we were all dressed and the toys had been picked up, it was time for the baby to have a sleep. He isn’t really a baby, he’ll be two this month but until then, he’s ‘the baby’. His eyes were drooping and he’d stopped leaping about and climbing on the furniture and was now back on the couch, slumped in the corner. I volunteered to stay at home with him, while A. took S to the local woods for an explore and perhaps a climb of a tree or two.

It was freezing outside too, so I wasn’t really being very noble. I just liked the idea of some quiet, alone time and staying warm

After they’d gone, I carried Z. up to his cot, where he went to sleep without protest and I spent a few calm hours cooking and watching TV. I actually felt pretty serene really.

Almost as soon as they bounced in the door, excited and red-cheeked from their adventure and chatting fast, (especially S, his words spilled out, tumbling one over the other as he tried to tell me everything at once.) I began to feel resistant and distant. I could feel it happening and I didn’t want it. On a normal day, I’d ask questions, be enthusiastic but not today.

Look, I know all of this sounds horribly self-indulgent and it is but that’s kind of the point. It’s how I feel today.

So to summarise the rest of the day…….simmering resentment, shouting, clattering, more TV and a bit of reading. Until now, when I suddenly feel quite calm again. I’ve apologised to A. and made us a cup of tea and now he’s watching Ewan McGregor on TV, while I sit next to him at the PC, writing this.

Tomorrow morning, I have a friend coming over for a reflexology treatment, one of the first ones I will have given. Roll on new day………

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